


if only i could prove that on my own, i'm worthy

by timeladyleo



Series: flowers for tardises [3]
Category: Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-21
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-26 03:28:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30099615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeladyleo/pseuds/timeladyleo
Summary: Somehow, she’s been here before, her home as unfamiliar as any alien world, her people turned against her as though she is the one in the wrong. Somehow, she’s getting used to being cast away from a Gallifrey she doesn’t recognise.Set in early Time War 3.
Relationships: Leela/Romana II
Series: flowers for tardises [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2169714
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	if only i could prove that on my own, i'm worthy

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by _asystole_

Somehow, she’s been here before, her home as unfamiliar as any alien world, her people turned against her as though she is the one in the wrong. Somehow, she’s getting used to being cast away from a Gallifrey she doesn’t recognise.

“Romana,” says Narvin, his face shadowed by worry. It’s the same face he has always made, the same knitted eyebrows and thin-lipped frown, but Romana feels like she understands it now. They have both been through so much together, after all, seen so many worlds destroyed and people betrayed. Lost friends.

She knows that he feels Leela’s loss as keenly as she does. The change is that maybe now, he could admit it.

Because they have been here before, strangers in a strange land. Leela ran from them, then, too. She had never felt at home on Gallifrey, theirs or any other, but at least with the Outsiders she had had something to fight for. It’s selfish, but Romana had hoped that Leela would always fight for her. but Leela has such a strong moral compass, such a definite idea of wrong and right, and Romana has fallen into ‘wrong’ so many times it’s a wonder that Leela ever forgave her.

In the dark, on the very worst nights, Romana knows that Leela never should have. She never deserved forgiveness. All of this is her fault.

“Romana,” Narvin says again. “Where should we go?”

“I don’t know, Narvin. I just want to go home.”

Narvin nods because there is nothing to say. She knows he agrees, but Gallifrey does not. Gallifrey does not want them.

To Gallifrey, an outcast and a renegade mean much the same thing. Romana knows now that they are not. She’s known it for a long time. Renegades can always find their way home, after all, be forgiven. Run for office. There’s somewhat of a precedent for renegades taking hold of the highest position in all the universe, after all. But an outcast? To be an outcast means to never be allowed in, not really. To never belong.

It’s pointless wishing, but she should have done more. She should have stood with Leela more. She should have dragged that other Gallifrey kicking and screaming towards a place where they could live in harmony with the Outsiders. She should have dragged her own Gallifrey kicking and screaming to a place where aliens were truly accepted, made them respect Leela and every one of the alien students she let down, years ago. Never should have let them get to this position of war. She should have done more.

They both look back down at the console, the flashing lights and the rhythm of the central column, up and down like it’s breathing. Like a single heartbeat. Romana looks at her hands and notices for the first time how hard she’s gripping the edge of the panel, her knuckles white.

“Do you think we’ll find her?” Narvin asks, quietly. It’s like a prayer, the way he says it, a quiet hope that the universe has not yet taken everything from him yet.

And what is she meant to say in return? The truth? Because she doesn’t have an honest answer to that sort of question. She’s been through this so many times now, the gentle rhythm of watching Leela walking away and coming back again, letting Leela down and begging her forgiveness. The universe likes stories, and this story has always had the same ending before. Leela comes back.

But this time feels different, somehow. This time, Leela hadn’t turned her back in outrage, determined to leave the Time Lords behind once and for all. She hadn’t walked out into a Gallifreyan desert with her head held high, and come back swinging, teeth bared.

This time, she had gone because Romana had asked her to, gone on a mission to do what was right, and for the first time in a long while, Romana had thought to herself that just maybe, just maybe this was it. This was her and Leela on the same page, fighting the same battles together, side by side. Hand in hand.

This time, they didn’t even know if Leela was coming back at all.

Romana looks up at Narvin whose expression is a careful mask again, that professional detachment he has perfected so well over the years. He cares, though. She can see it in his eyes. He wants to find Leela as much as she does. Like her, he has nothing else to fight for now.

It’s pointless wishing, but Romana wishes that she could have spared Narvin this fate. That’s a thought she would never have imagined thinking, once. But in the here and now, she’s seen him lose his lives and his job and his home, for her. It doesn’t matter what he would say to that because it is the truth. She has always asked so much of her friends, too much.

She’s always asked too much of herself too, and like the friends from whom she has taken everything, she has nothing left either.

What is she now? An exile, an ex-president scuttling away in shame with her loyal lapdog, in search of her loyal, tame wolf. Is that unfair? It’s what Gallifrey will be saying right now. _Look at her go, our once noble president_. She doesn’t want to think about what’s left of her reputation. She doesn’t want to think about how she’s failed. Because she has failed, so many times, and nothing she’s ever done has helped. Everything she’s ever done has led her here, standing in an old Tardis with Narvin.

What is she without her home, her titles? It’s something she hasn’t been for so long, just _Romana_. It should be easier, she thinks, to just be herself without any of the baggage. But somehow, casting it away has left her emptier than ever. For so long, she’s been bound by what she is that she’s managed to forget who she is. Just Romana.

And just Romana wants to run away, to tell Narvin to leave her because she is nothing now. She isn’t worth following because every single time she has ever asked him to follow her in the past, he has lost things that mattered. She’s the one who sent Leela away. She’s the one who led Gallifrey to war. Perhaps exile is where she belongs. Alone.

Narvin would never accept that, though. Somehow, he still sees something worthwhile in her. Somehow, he hasn’t cast her away like she deserves. And right now, she would be stupid to try and cut off the only friend she has left. Because they’re all they’ve got left.

Isn’t that worth something?

She tries her best to smile even though it doesn’t reach her eyes. It barely reaches her lips. But Narvin understands anyway. “I hope so,” she says softly. “We have to try.”

Narvin nods, his own smile wider than Romana’s. Slightly. He pushes down a lever, and they travel on, deeper into the vortex and into the war. Towards Leela.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr at [sircarolyn](https://sircarolyn.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
